I recently shared with you my dilemma about my cold cap. The question was whether I should allow myself to go bald, or whether I should suffer through the pain of wearing the cold cap for mediocre results. It’s amazing what writing down your thoughts can do to help you gain clarity. I had been struggling for a good month to come to a decision. It was weighing heavily on me, but in the days I put it in writing, a few things happened to help guide me in my decision-making process.
I finally feel confident in my choice.
I’ve decided to stick with the cold cap.
I imagine some of you were assuming that I’ve lost more hair than I actually have. That’s understandable, considering I described it as a lot of hair loss. It was a lot, but that’s a pretty subjective description. Had it been a massive amount of hair loss, my decision would have been very simple. I would have abandoned the process. What made the decision so hard was that while it was a fair bit of hair loss, I still had a lot of hair remaining. I was stuck in limbo.
To give you an idea, here is what it looks like from the front (after I puffed it up a little for the camera.)
Not so bad, right? But check out the other angle.
I’d say that’s pretty bald. It might not matter if I were 6-feet-tall, but I’m not. I’m short, and there is no hiding this. This is what made the choice harder for me.
Now you can see how the level of success I was having left me right smack in the middle, with evenly weighted pros and cons.
Several factors helped me make this tough decision.
On my Facebook post a friend said to me,
Find the power that outweighs the pain, both literally and figuratively. Focus on that power and you will know what to do.
Giving advice is tough because most people don’t really want advice, but this wasn’t really advice. To me this was a great way of saying, “Listen to your intuition.” When I paused and thought in terms of my power, I realized that my own stubbornness was clouding my decision.
I finally admitted to myself what I knew all along: I was angry with the cold cap. It had let me down, and so I wanted to let it down. It was physically hurting me, and it wasn’t holding up its end of the bargain. In a way I wanted to “show it.” I wanted to reject it, so I could feel what I thought was power.
When I really stepped into my power, I realized that resentment or wanting to be right (even though it was against an inanimate object) was not a great principle to guide me through an important decision. I knew I had to let go of my ego and let go of wanting to be right or gain justice.
Getting back at someone or something never gives us what we really want.
I experienced something else that helped me realize what I really wanted out of this. I went to a breast cancer support group that a friend of mine had organized. While there, I had the chance to speak with two other women who had done the cold caps. They both had similar results, and for various reasons, each of them continued with the cold caps through their treatments. It was helpful to see that I wasn’t a failure, that there were others who’d experienced what I had. It made me realize I’m not that special. There was something comforting in that.
At this same event I also met a completely bald woman. She was the first bald woman I had met since my diagnosis. Even though we all love and accept a cancer patient in all her beautiful baldness, I realized deep down inside, that’s not what I wanted. The kicker was even she told me that if it were her, she would continue with the cold cap.
Then it all became clear to me.
After sharing and clarifying my thoughts in writing, letting go of my ego, and getting the support from those around me, I was able to make a decision based on my power. (Oh, and it didn’t hurt that they’ve decreased my chemo session by 90 whole minutes!)
The process of solving this challenge is just like making any other tough decision.
What often gets in our way and blocks our clarity is us. Life is full of hard decisions. Even if we’re being forced to make a decision we don’t like, that can be easier than feeling paralyzed to make any decision at all. At least making a decision we don’t like moves us forward, but feeling stuck always keeps us miserable.
I’ve learned two crucial elements we can use to make decisions from a place of power instead of from a place of fear.
First, it helps to become an observer. This helps us get out of our own way. If we can objectively look at our thoughts and intentions, we can gain so much more clarity. For me, this happens through writing. For others it may be through a different process. When I can observe my situation from the outside and call bullshit on my ego, it helps me reflect on what really matters to me.
Next, we don’t need to do it alone. Gaining support from a community of people who understands what we’re going through helps us feel like we’re okay. Every time I’ve tried to go it alone, I get nowhere. As someone who doesn’t like to ask for help, getting to that point always takes a little nudging; but every time I’ve asked for help, I get what I need. With that support, I can move forward with much more confidence and let go of the nonsense that I’m creating to hold me back.
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