I often wonder if I will ever come to appreciate my cancer journey. Right now it’s hard to imagine finding any gratitude for it. In this moment, all I want to do is get through this. I want it to be behind me. While I want to be super-duper positive with you, you know I’m not one to lie about my experiences and my feelings. All I want is to put my head down, put on the blinders, and grind through my treatments. When you’re in that state of mind, it can be hard to want to celebrate and have fun and let go. You just want it to be over.

Today I received a lovely email from a friend who took me to lunch yesterday. She is a 17-year breast cancer survivor, who was diagnosed when she was 40. She is now another beacon of hope for me, a true life example of someone who has not only made it, but who has also thrived.

When you’re stuck in any hard experience, it’s hard to believe it’s ever going to end, so it helps to have some proof.

During lunch with my friend, she shared many of her cancer experiences and struggles with me, all vivid memories from almost 20 years ago. She also offered to do anything to support me.

As I replied to her, email, I was taken by the words that ended up on the page, and wanted to reflect on them here:

I will let you know if I need any support before I finish chemo. I didn’t tell you this, but Nick comes to every chemo with me to help me put my cold cap on. I couldn’t do it without him. He has offered to stay for every one, but I want to give him a break. I have asked a different friend to come with me each time. He comes in the morning, and they come sit with me in the afternoon. I have the last 2 friends lined up. I feel so grateful that I have an abundance of people who want to help and support me. That is definitely the silver lining. Thank you for being a part of that tribe.

Wow, an abundance of people who want to help and support me. It struck me that this is where I find my gratitude. It’s genuine. It’s visceral. Thinking about it makes me emotional.

That is when you know it is true gratitude.

So today I hold on to that. I honor the family, close friends, acquaintances, and internet friends (isn’t it funny that “internet friends” is a thing?)

I feel thankful to see abundance in a time when I have felt so much loss, no matter how fleeting this moment may or may not be. (I do hope it stays, by the way, but it’s okay if it doesn’t. I know it will be back.)

Here in the US it is Thanksgiving tomorrow. My whole local family has shifted their lives around to celebrate Thanksgiving with me on Saturday because based on my chemo schedule, food still will not taste good tomorrow. They are doing this, so I can enjoy the day a little bit more than I would 2 days earlier. Although it’s probably not that big of a deal for them, I’m not one to ask for help. I don’t like inconveniencing other people. This is only a single example of how my network has rallied around me. It is humbling… I never really knew what people meant when they say that, but now I do.

Do you ever feel like there is too much pressure to find gratitude?

In this time when there is so much pressure to be happy and be successful, we are all always pushing gratitude. They say gratitude is the key to happiness. While I don’t doubt that at all, sometimes I wonder if that added pressure can create the opposite effect.

What if we just let it go and stopped trying? In my heart, I’m not sure I believe that’s the answer either.

Now that I’m reminded of the visceral feeling that comes with true gratitude, I also know that sometimes I’ve faked gratitude. I haven’t faked it for you or anyone else. I’ve faked it for myself. I’ve told myself I’m thankful, but I haven’t felt it that same way in my core. I believe that’s still okay. That’s human, and I believe it still works.

Maybe that faking was just practice, gearing me up for moments like now, when I really need it.

I’m amazed to see how during one of my darkest times, I can feel a deeper sense of gratitude than when life feels perfect. I’m amazed that sometimes it hits us the most when we least expect it. I guess that’s the way it works. When we take things for granted, we expect things, and it’s harder to appreciate them.

How does gratitude work for you? When do you feel the most grateful? Is it when things are going well, or when life has you down?

Maybe it’s in the letting go of the search for gratitude, so we can open up our hearts and minds to truly find it. Or maybe practicing a little each day helps flex that muscle for when we really need it’s perspective. What’s your gratitude trick?

I don’t know, but the one thing that keeps coming back to me is that word community.

So today, I thank you.