As humans, judgment is part of our inherent nature.

We need judgment to protect ourselves from threats. As a species it is one of our strongest defense mechanisms. While it can help us in many ways, it can also create problems with relationships– especially our relationship with ourselves. While it’s necessary to discern between safety and danger, it doesn’t always serve us when we are not in danger.

At a time when we are isolated and not even around other people, our judgment of others is out in full force.

Take being outside, for example. While we have to be separate, more people are crowding the outdoor spaces. (Who can blame them with spring in the air?) Have you noticed how friendly people are right now? It seems some are starving for interaction, smiling and sharing friendly hello’s. But then again, many others won’t even make eye contact as they walk by.

When social isolation first started weeks ago, I would secretly roll my eyes at passersby who wouldn’t say hi or who moved out 20 feet away from me, exaggerating the distance between us. I’ll admit, I was guilty of judging them for either being unfriendly or overly paranoid.

How true is that judgment, really?

Despite my gut reaction, of course logic knows they weren’t being unfriendly or trying to avoid me. I was simply creating drama in my head. So, every time I found myself judging others, I reminded myself that I didn’t really know what was going on with them.

For all I know, they could have had Coronavirus and were being considerate about giving me space! Or maybe they didn’t make eye contact because they were in the middle of a conversation and were focused on that.

As the weeks have passed, and the rules have changed, so have my judgments.

At first, I found it unfriendly or paranoid if someone walked out onto the street instead of passing me 6 feet away. Now that the distancing measures have gotten more strict, I find myself moving much farther out of the way from them. I see it as an act of courtesy to them, and ironically I’m behaving just like the people who I was judging for weeks.

Now, instead of judging others for over-reacting, I am judging others if they don’t move out of the way as we pass.

It seems, no matter the circumstances, we always find a way to be judgmental.

We just can’t win!

I see it online in the Nextdoor app too. There are endless posts about who is doing too much, who is not doing enough, and who got yelled at for not moving or for not wearing a mask outside. You name it, we are judging it! And I think, “Who has time to go post this stuff on Nextdoor?” So now, not only am I judging people on my walks, but I’m judging people for posting on Nextdoor!

Judgment always seems worse when we can’t connect with people.

We see it online every day. With this forced separation, it’s safe to assume it’s making us more judgmental of others.

What’s worse is we often judge ourselves more than anyone.

If we feel uncomfortable emotions, or if we don’t live up to our high expectations, we judge ourselves for it. Last week a client of mine was really struggling with keeping her kids focused, finding personal time, and working from home. She felt horrible that she wasn’t doing anything well.

Behind it all, her self-judgment made everything so much worse. Once she recognized this, she stopped judging her performance and her feelings, allowing herself to simply do the best she could. Immediately, she felt better, and it actually freed her up to do better.

We judge ourselves all the time. Whether we make mistakes on the job, we say something we regret, or we want to leave a career or a relationship behind for good; our judgment strengthens our worries.

Judgment keeps us spiraling in old, unhelpful patterns.

I see it often with people who are unhappy in their careers. Instead of trusting that gut feeling, they try to silence it by judging themselves. They often convince themselves that there is something wrong with them. They justify why they have nothing to complain about and that they’ll probably always find something wrong with their lives. In this case, judgment becomes an excuse to stay unhappy.

Telling yourself, “You could have done better,” Or, “Well, you really f*#$d that one up,” isn’t helpful. We believe these judgments will keep us safe, but it doesn’t always work that way. Usually these thoughts keep us stuck, preventing us from growing.

Just like my client, letting go of your self-judgment will free you up to help you change that thing you are resisting.

Give it a try! All you have to do is start by noticing it, and then shift your thought to a new one.

Maybe it’s as simple as laughing every time you catch yourself judging someone for their Coronavirus isolation tactics.

Maybe you can notice that discomfort you feel when you’re feeling anxious, sad, or angry; and you’re trying to push it away. Talk to yourself the way you would a friend. Agree with yourself , validate that your reaction is justified, and let it be there.

Perhaps you can acknowledge that your career dissatisfaction is real, and it’s trying to tell you something important.

Now is a good time to practice giving everyone, especially yourself, a break. If you can stop judging every single thing around you, you might be surprised by how much better you’ll feel and, in turn, how much better you’ll do.