What is your wake-up call for change?

I originally wrote this blog post, The Wake-up Call for Change, on March 30, 2021. It has since allowed me to form a beautiful friendship with Parul Dua Makkar, the sister of Manu Dua. If that name sounds familiar, it’s because we all knew Manu. Manu had started blogging and had dreams and plans to turn his writings into a book. He never had the chance to see it to fruition, so in big-sisterly fashion, Parul jumped in to keep her brother’s legacy alive. She worked hard to create and publish Manu’s book, Life Interrupted, an amazing read on life, love, fear, living, and more. Basically, he reflects on all of the important stuff in life we often miss until we are knocking on death’s door.

Parul recently interviewed me on her podcast to discuss my connection with Manu and all of these important life reflections. This discussion is particularly special to me, as we reflected on more than just dentistry.

I hope you’ll have a listen (and a read, of course,) and that it inspires you to start living your life, so you don’t wake up at the end with any regrets.

What is your wake-up call for change?

It’s often a big tragedy that propels us to even notice something needs to change. For many of us, it’s an illness or a loss or even being forced into quarantine. For others, it’s a chronic yearning that won’t go away. My wake-up call for change was the latter. I felt my anxiety and depression over the years that would not go away, and the root cause kept pointing to my career in dentistry. That prompted me to change, and when my big personal tragedy came along, it only confirmed that I did the right thing.

Now, those of us in dentistry all find ourselves mourning the loss of one of our own.

In November of 2019 I came across an article in Dentaltown that really impacted me. A young dentist who had just completed grueling treatment to fight oral cancer wrote it. Having literally just finished my own cancer treatments, I felt a strong connection to his unique story. I sent him a message thanking him for sharing his story.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. As a very new breast cancer survivor (finished 15 months of treatments just 3 days ago, and I’m also young, at 45 years old,) I wanted to let you know that a lot of what you discussed resonated with me. It’s tough to be thrust into illness when we are normally the caretakers and the healthy ones. In the end, it helps us grow into better people, and it gives us a level of gratitude that is otherwise hard to experience. Wishing you all the best! Sincerely, Laura Brenner, (recovering) DDS, Denver, Colorado

He replied, saying,

Hi Laura, I got your message and I wanted to send you my best wishes and thoughts for your recovery. I think we all individually have our own struggles, so I can’t imagine your recovery. I’m really happy that the article meant something to you, I figured the whole process was so unjust and unfair that If I spoke about it I would find some meaning in the whole ordeal I also knew that there are many others out there, not just dentists dealing with both mental and physical issues some out of their control and so maybe if anyone read it, it might mean something and maybe make an unfortunate event into something more positive.

I wish you nothing but the best and I hope you make the most of your second chance in life. We can’t always go back and change the beginning but we can start now and changed the ending.

That was it. It was a brief exchange of inspiration, hope, and well wishes, and he always remained in my memory. You can imagine that just over one year later, seeing his updated article that his cancer had returned shook me.

It shook a lot of us.

My dental friends have been sharing his article all over social media, feeling heartbroken that he passed shortly after his second article was published. He had a community of cheerleaders hoping, praying, and cheering him on. Most of us didn’t know him personally, but we were touched by his message, by his courage and his vision.

And he is one of us.

In the first article, Manu shared his vulnerability and the challenges that come when the roles of health care practitioner reverse themselves. We never expect to be the ones needing the care. We are the fixers. It’s hard to imagine this will ever happen to us. And when it does, our world can come crashing down.

When you define yourself by your health and your vibrancy, getting a cancer diagnosis creates a massive loss. It is a loss of everything we ever knew to be true in our lives. We can no longer cling to the false security that we will wake up to another day of everything being the same.

Despite all the differences in our initial cancer journeys, we both walked away from the experience with new perspectives:

• We grew up learning to live in fear– fear of failure, fear of consequences, fear of the unknown. Cancer introduced us to true fear. This perspective helps you practice NOT sweating the small stuff.
• That fear came from not believing in myself, not believing that I was strong enough to endure challenges. Cancer teaches you that you are strong, and you do have courage. You have courage because you have no other choice. That helps build your resilience. You eventually know that you can bounce back from some really sh*tty stuff.
• I never really knew where I stood with other people. I mean, I knew I had a lot of friends and played well with others, but I often worried about how my behavior impacted them. That’s the people pleaser in me. Cancer has a unique way of getting the troops to rally around you. I never knew how much my friends and family truly cared about me. Cancer taught me that I am truly loved.
• And then there’s gratitude. For me, it was being thankful for my health, for feeling good, for my community, and more. It’s gaining the new perspective that the things we take for granted are actually gifts. I learned to feel a sense of gratitude that I never really felt before.

As humans, we bounce back, and we are resilient.

Although we never know if or when this will come back, we have to go on with life. I chose not to live in fear. When I was diagnosed, like Manu, I had no reason to get cancer. I was beyond healthy. I lived the picture of health, and it shook many of my friends because I was the “healthiest person [they knew].”

We often search for the why. Why did I get cancer? When you can’t find the physical reasons, you start to turn to the mental/emotional causes. Many people blame it on stress. I couldn’t even do that. My wake-up call in life happened years earlier. I had already left behind the depression and anxiety that came with being in the wrong career. I was having fun, growing and exploring, designing the life that I had loved.

Since I didn’t need that wake-up call that cancer gives us, I hoped to share it with you. I hoped my personal tragedy could inspire YOU to begin living your life on your terms today.

How well does that work? Who knows. I sometimes believe we have to go through the trauma ourselves in order to receive that wake-up call to inspire yourself to do what seems so difficult. However, I do hope that it’s to possible learn from others’ experiences because I don’t want you to realize it after it’s too late.

I know that is what Manu would have wanted as well.

In comes his second article, a short 16 months later. Cancer was that wake up call for Manu. It was the realization that he was living his life in pursuit of the wrong things– namely, the “professional pursuit of unhappiness.” After his recovery, he found dental practice unbearable. He recognized that he went from being bright-eyed and bushy-tailed early on in practice, to feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied. I don’t know if he had plans to leave the career. Unfortunately, the decision was made for him, and a recurrence of his cancer forced him to sell his practice.

He goes on to explain how relieved and happy he felt about leaving his career. He does an incredible job of describing his newfound freedom and zest for life. I cannot do it justice here, so go read his article. It will be time well-spent.

Sadly, Manu passed shortly after this article was published.

It’s a tragedy that hits us all very deeply– whether we personally knew Manu or not.

It hits us all very deeply because his story is my story is your story, on so many levels. I didn’t know him personally, but one thing I’m comfortable assuming is that he would have wanted his journey and his struggle to inspire you.

Stop settling for just good enough. Or, stop settling for something that is draining you of all joy, peace, and freedom.

Just. Stop. It.

You don’t have to resign yourself to a life of unhappiness. Covid was that wake up call for many of us. Don’t wait until you get your wake up call, and it’s too late. Learn from others who have heeded that call from our own personal tragedies. Whether you need to change systems in your office, the way you perceive the events in your life, or your career, you don’t have to settle.

What are you waiting for?